'Twas the War Against Christmas,
All over the land,
No one could escape it--
The foxholes were mann'd.
The soldiers were squeezed in,
Tighter than sardines,
All dressed in defiant
Bright reds and bright greens.
"It's
Christmas, Goddammit!"
They screamed at those few
Unfortunate heathens
Who'd just, fearing to
Make a mistake said,
With good cheer in their eyes,
"Happy Holidays!"
As snow fell from the skies.
The soldiers of Christmas
Crept out of their holes,
Ran out of their bunkers,
Began their patrols,
Slid through snow-dark streets
Between light-poles and signs,
Crept 'round garbage cans,
Laid their Christmas mines,
Dressed from head to foot,
Were these Elves of the Right,
In red and green clothing,
Their cause for to fight.
Their camouflage makeup,
'Twas perfect disguise--
They could fade into nothing
('Least to untrained eyes)
When up 'gainst a Christmas Tree,
A Wreath, or some holly,
Or anything Red and Green,
Fat, Cold, or Jolly.
These soldiers of fortune
Followed their prey home,
Snuck into the hedgerows,
From Tucson to New Rome,
Like Saint Nick they vowed to
Make their chilly way through
The country to visit
All them there states blue,
To see to it that each of
Those heathens, who called
"Happy Holidays"
And had left them appalled,
Would be taught a lesson
In this Christmas cold war,
'Bout the right way to greet
Someone on phone or at door,
No Happy, I say, and
No "Holidays, Ma'am"-it.
Just get it straight, now, boys,
It's Christmas, Goddammit!
From the top of the porch
To the snow on the lawn,
The figures came stealing
Red-green blurs soon gone
They tried for the chimney,
But just couldn't hack it,
Despite their attempts to
Take off Santa jackets
And furry red-green hats
With white pom-pom balls,
Denied the best entrance,
They climbed down the walls
And considered a moment,
Looked at snowy grass,
And chose to break windows
To get in at their class,
Whose lessons would start soon,
They could barely wait.
Those soldiers of Christmas
Waited till 'twas late
And knocked through the windows
Yelling, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
And were summarily arrested
By cops, dontcha know,
Without a shot fired
Their side lost the battle,
No lessons would be taught,
No babbling prattle
Would 'scape those red-green lips;
The War would be lost,
For its brightest soldiers
In jail had been tossed.
The next morn in Court,
Those soldiers they did 'splain
'Bout hating "Holidays",
'Bout their new campaign,
'Bout how Pat and Bill-O
Had told them to fight,
'Bout how they would never stop
Defending their right
To celebrate Christmas--
It's Christmas, you see!--
They knew they were right.
It had been on TV.
The judge was long-faced
And wide-eyed with dismay,
As he heard 'bout the horrors
Of "Happy Holiday,"
And he heard how they'd suffered,
And heard how they cared,
He heard of their training,
How they'd been prepared
To fight for their "Christmas,"
And teach those heathens right,
To show them their errors,
To give them, blind, sight.
The judge he did listen
As they did go on,
And on and on they went,
Went, went and were gone.
And when they had finished,
The Court was abuzz
With whispers and hissing
That Court alive was,
So finally the judge-man
His gavel did pound,
And after a while, a grave
Silence did sound.
He glared at them all and
Stared them in the eyes,
He stared till they all squirmed,
And one of them cried,
And said, in a calm voice,
"Guilty!" so damned loud
They probably heard it
'pon Long Island Sound.
"I know you've been fighting,
I know you've been mad.
I know you're not sorry--
You're prolly even glad.
So here is your sentence,"
He said, checking his watch,
"Six months for your crime--
Breaking and entering, biotch.
"I can't fine you for being
Ign'rant, which is good.
There ain't that much money
In the world, if I could."
The soldiers were taken
Away to their cells,
To reflect on their errors
And enjoy the good smells.
And the Judge? Well, he waited
'Till they all were gone,
He walked off the bench and
His robes off were drawn.
His red-and-white suit with
Black belt, boots, and all,
'Ppeared from under the judge-clothes,
Much cheerier, y'all.
He grinned as he headed
Back out to his sleigh,
To deliver those toys,
To save the damned day,
And said, "Don't they know
Who they are dealing wit'?
Christmas's about buying.
How'd they miss that? Shit!"
And please understand,
If you've read through this far,
I don't mean to mock you,
Whoever you are,
It's just that I can't help
But laugh at this War,
Of Christmas, and Holidays,
I don't care anymore.
Call it what you call it,
I couldn't care less.
It's 'bout family and friends,
And 'bout happiness.
So you'll hear me exclaim
As I ride out of sight,
Y'all have a great End-of-Year,
Now, all right?
***
part i: 'Twas the War Against Christmas
part ii: 'Twas the Night Before Voting
part iii: 'Twas the Day for No-Cloture